I just had my first binge in a long long while. I don’t totally know what happened. I ate a ton of food/protein all day I just got hungry and instead of eating a normal sized meal ate spinach yogurt pasta and ice cream and pocky. Not pleased.
I was on my way to purge when I stopped myself and reminded myself that one night won’t kill me.
I just want to say, that since Thursday, I’ve been doing really well.
My mood’s been escalated.
I’ve been trying to ask myself “why am I eating this?” when reaching for food. Now, don’t think I’m perfect, I’ve made a lot of booboos, but I’m feeling positive.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes since Thursday, e.g. I purged half an hour ago, but the point is that I’ve broken the positive feedback loop (a positive feedback loop is a way that a situation perpetuates itself but has nothing to do with a positive/happy situation) and I’m GETTING BETTER. I’ve been purging on an off all year, but now I’m in a place where I want to stop.
I’m setting goals again. I’m happy again. I’m excited again. I’m pushing myself again. I need to remember how amazing this feels.
Ugh. So much pain looking at photos of me from two summers ago. I thought I was so fat at the time… But what I would do for that body now..
But I must stay positive. I HAVE to :) smile smile smile. I can be great. I am great. It will take hard work. There is no easy way out. Staying positive. Loving who I am at ALL times and ALL weights and working hard. Working to better my insides. Not working to be skinny. This is about HAPPINESS. Pushing myself makes me happy and I’m ready to commit to that :)
I’m sorry I’m freakin out I don’t know what to do everyone is telling me to recover but I’m so fat! I’m so fat! I can’t fit in any of my clothes! How am I supposed to tell myself to eat when fuck my body does NOT need food! I am a FAT person!!
Started out strong.. Thinking about why I wanted foods. Had dinner that wasn’t “healthy” but it’s okay. Then socially unexpected ice cream happened. The unexpected things catch me up. Then came home and lost control but this is something I can BEAT it’s an opportunity for change.